Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
