I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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