Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
