Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
