Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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