A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
