Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
