Soap is not a condiment
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
