Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize