I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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