P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
