Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
