We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
