just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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