The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize