I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
