i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
