I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
