She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
