R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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