my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
