either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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