Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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