i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize