I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
