Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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