kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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