i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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