i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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