I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
