I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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