Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
