I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
