so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
