Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
where are my eyebrows?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
