And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
