my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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