all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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