Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
