I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
