I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
