Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
