Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
