I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
