what day is it and did you see me today?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
