Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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