Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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