you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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