Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
