My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
