If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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