My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
