What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I could fuck to npr.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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