I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize