I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
