In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
