How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
