watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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